How and Why to Include Consent in Your Romance Novel Sex Scenes

So, do you need to include consent in your romance novels?

The short answer is, of course, yes. Because it’s what the majority of romance readers expect and want in their romance novels, regardless of sub-genre.

If you're reading this blog, you probably agree with that short answer. But you might be confused on the nitty-gritty, i.e., what consent in the context of the romance genre actually is.

And if if you know the answer to that question, you may not know how to incorporate it into your novel's intimacy scenes, which can already feel like carefully choreographed ballets to write, and that's before you factor in verbal or physical consent.

Or maybe you're worried that adding in consent will ruin the vibe, or turn down the heat of a very key scene.

Alternatively, perhaps you're fine in principal with and understand all of the above, but you're afraid of reader reviews about your book being "too political," and worry that adding in consent might displease some of your audience.

I'm going to address all those questions and issues today, so read on for knowledge!

So what is consent?

Consent is when two or more people decide to be intimate together. It's a mutual decision, an agreement.

In romance novels, that agreement is usually repeated or referenced at least a few times during an intimate scene, especially those that include what the characters would consider sex, or sexual acts, like touches on breasts and areas below the belt, oral and anal pleasure, penetration, and any type of kink, like rope play, orgasm denial, or domination.

Are there different types of consent?

Consent is often verbal, e.g. “Please, touch me!” or “I need your cock,” but it can be physical, like a character’s eyes lighting up and their mouth curling in a smile as their lover brings their hand beneath their shirt.  

Consent can also be enthusiastic—see above with “Please touch me!”—or it can be comfortable. Comfortable consent is a new-to-me concept that I first heard about on Smart Bitches Trashy Books’ podcast episode with Jane Buehler, and it’s a welcome addition to the consent conversation in romance novels, because enthusiastic consent doesn’t work for all sex scenes.

Comfortable consent is when one character declares that they trust another character to try things with them, in the knowledge that one or both of them might not like what they try, and they might have to stop. Comfortable consent is important, especially when you’re writing characters who aren’t as well-versed in their wants and needs in the bedroom.

How do you incorporate consent in your sex scenes?

There are many, many ways of showing enthusiastic consent, from a character saying “Yes, I like that!” to making it clear with gestures and expression that yes, they like that. How exactly you, the writer, show your character consenting will depend on their personality and their relationship with their lover/s. A quieter character might favor physical consent, while a more vocal, confident character might prefer enthusiastic consent. Or maybe the characters even have a conversation about how they consent, a conversation that ultimately brings them closer, because they’re learning how each communicates in and out of the bedroom.  

And though you definitely need consent at the beginning of your sex scene, it’s a good idea to also show your characters checking in with each other throughout a sex scene, too, to show that they’re taking each other’s comfort and consent into account as things change. For example, if your characters move from one person performing oral to another, showing a brief acknowledgement and check-in, like the following outlined sex scene, is a great idea. When MC1 flips them onto his back, he’s showing MC2 that he’s ready to receive oral sex.

MC1: “God, you taste so good.”

MC2: “Come up here and show me.”

MC1 drags himself over MC2’s body, pressed reverent kisses along his hips, belly, and chest before finally hovering over MC2’s mouth.

MC2: “Please?”

MC1 dips his mouth into MC2’s, sliding his tongue along the seam of his lips to coax them open and slip his tongue inside. MC2 moans as his taste floods his tongue, and his hands cradle MC1’s face, drawing him closer, like he can’t stand even an inch of separation between them.

MC1: “You like how you taste? That salt and sweetness?”

MC2: “God yes. But I want to taste you now.”

MC1: “Oh yeah?”

MC2 bit his lip, rubbing his nose against MC1’s and smiling wickedly. “Yes.”

Without prompting, MC1 flips them so he’s on his back, MC2 balanced on top of him.

Will consent ruin your romance novel sex scene's vibe?

Consent is sexy—it's a saying for a reason. Showing your characters seeking each other’s permission before getting intimate is a sign of respect and care, and that’s sexy as hell. It's not going to ruin the vibe; if anything, it'll make it better, because it shows your characters caring for and respecting each other.

The only way consent can ruin a sex scene’s vibe is if the way it’s conveyed doesn’t fit with the characters or their relationship, why is why it’s important to take both into account when you’re writing it.

And approach writing consent like you write anything else between your characters: use it as a chance to show how they’re connecting. To show their dynamic. To deepen the readers’ understanding of their personalities.

Will I alienate readers for including something political like consent in my romance novel?

I’m not going to lie and say that every reader in the romance world loves consent and wants to see it on the page. The majority do, but there have in the past been some vocal readers and authors who’ve argued against it, saying it’s political.

And here’s the truth: As the inestimable writer, podcaster, and romance expert Sarah Wendell often points out, romance is inherently political. It’s about people falling in love and includes bodies, intimacy, and touching, all things that have been under political threat at various points in history, including now.

But consent is also humane. It shows your characters caring for each other, which is part and parcel of a romantic relationship, which is what your readers are opening your books to find.

Are there any sex scenes that don’t require consent?

You might think that non-consensual sex scenes don’t require consent in some way, shape, or form, since, as the term suggests, the scenes don’t include consent. But that’s not strictly true; many assaults and rapes include initial consent that is later taken away. How you choose to handle consent in assault and rape scenes is up to you, but make sure it’s clear that at some point, consent was either not sought or was taken away, and one or more of the characters proceeded anyway.

So there you have it. A brief but hopefully helpful explanation of and guide to including consent in your romance novel sex scenes, an essential skill for all romance authors of spicy scenes!

Until next post, happy reading and writing!